Even a Horse…

I wrote a blog on Sept 10th then decided to just sit on it.  It was a little too honest I think and I just wasn't sure of what I "should" post out in a world where I don't really know the people I am enjoying so much.  So, I am exploring the ideas of access…friends, family, world… AND I am exploring the "who can comment on this" option.

Today I posted the blog because I know that it is honest and, really, not so revealing that I throw myself to the wolves.  However, I posted it to friends and family only and posted it with "no comments".  This is the reason:  I am a woman who continues to grow in faith and strength.  It isn't a clean process and I am growing rather tired of the assumption of the world that so-called Christians shouldn't have clay feet.  However, clay feet aren't an excuse for impurity or lives that are not above reproach.  Somewhere in Philippians it says that we are to be blameless, innocent children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and peverse generation.  I am human and capable of gross immorality but it is by the grace of God at work in my life that I do not walk in gross immorality and I am continuing to change and grow.  This change and growth is actually changing my desires and "bent" that makes wanderlust not so inviting.  I find that as I grow I actually like the feeling of cleanness in my heart and know that certain things really cover me with crud.  I don't like feeling cruddy, so I work on cleaning up and staying that way.  My dad had a saying, "Even a horse doesn't fall into the same hole twice."  It is one thing to fall into a hole but quite another to fall back into the same hole.  If I know the hole is there, then (duh) I can navigate around it.

Anyway, back to blogging…

I wrote about the miscarriage I had this year.  Since this is a public post I summarize and say that I have walked around wounded in my heart and feeling pretty cruddy.  I set out to clean up my crud in my heart but it absolutely would not obey the cleaning up process.  I was offended.  I knew I was.  In the core of my soul was an offense so strong that I have battled with hopelessness, shame, questions, accusations, temptations, fears, isolation, avoidance and the like.  This is messy stuff for a mature Christian.  I figured out that there was nothing I knew so far in my journey that was going to clean up my heart.  I needed another tool.

God met me in this place of offence this week.  Knowing that I really trusted God has made it hard for me to get to the pain and bring it to him.  My accusation was that God was responsible for my pain. (I've been there before.)  What was different this time was that I had no personal issue where I could take partial responsibility. (…because I had a bad attitude, God allowed this….OR because I needed growth in this, God allowed…) So, then why this pain?   Why this miscarriage?

This blog is to say I don't have my answer but I do have God.  My simple experience was that I was able to bring my angry and offended heart directly to Him and place my anger into the wounds of the crucified Jesus.  While that might seem like a simple transaction, it wasn't.  Christ died to bear the wounds of gross injustice, of immorality, of offence.  He bore the sin against his children through abuse, oppression, and violence.  He bore the sin of those who have committed abuse, oppression and violence.  "Once for all" is what the scripture says.  He was able to bear my anger at HIM!

Amazing!

Psalm 130

1 Out of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD. 2 Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive To the voice of my supplications. 3 If You, LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? 4 But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. 6 My soul {waits} for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning; {Indeed, more than} the watchmen for the morning. 7 O Israel, hope in the LORD; For with the LORD there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption. 8 And He will redeem Israel From all his iniquities.

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