On February 14, Handsome and I were able to joyfully announce that we were pregnant and had seen the heartbeat and baby via ultrasound. We so much appreciate the kind comments and private messages and email we have received and appreciate those who were able to share our joy.
However, on Saturday morning I suddenly miscarried and our happy journey with this little one is over in this world. I needed to follow-up so that everyone will receive the new report.
The miscarriage happened with no warning and was initially painless and not physically difficult at all. We called the doctor and were asked to come to the hospital to confirm and, a few hours later, we left the hospital to begin grieving the loss.
On Monday I visited the doctor who recommended that I did not need surgery at this time (good news) but prescribed a medicine to assist my body in working through the final processes. I have been in that very uncomfortable process since Monday evening but am doing well enough.
Handsome and I are sad and confused but grateful to have seen this little life before he journeyed on. We are very grateful for that. It has made all the difference so far.
This is our second miscarriage. For these two late-bloomers who married late…who never thought we'd ever be pregnant…who never really thought we'd be one of "those" couples talking about babies and childrearing…even this disappointing turn is unlocking to us treasures in our marriage in and in our hearts. We know that we are NOT who we once were. In the marriage and, now, in these events, we are forever changed and will never be the same. There is some joy in that. We are not discounting the loss and neither are we making light of this in our lives. The grief is substantial and will not be ignored. We cannot simply move it aside and move on with our lives. The grief must be grieved.
As I have compared this week's events to those of last year, I realize how much different this is for me. I was afraid to hope for fear of being disappointed but my doctor who happens to be a strong believer and full of faith, convinced me that hope was worth reaching for. I reached for the hope. Somehow in the loss, I don't feel like a fool for hoping for the best. Somehow I'm getting a little glimpse of what it might mean that I do not grieve as those who have no hope.
A friend spoke to me briefly of the life of the biblical Joseph. His life kept dealing him death and disappointment in the face of a great sense of destiny in his life. These detours were horrible and I'm sure they cast shadows of doubt onto his sense that his life was destined for more. However, what Joseph might have imagined for his life did not compare to what his life actually became. His final destiny seemed more than his dreams would have allowed.
In light of that, Handsome and I realize that we are still in the hands of the God who has brought us this far thus far. Our lives are more than we dreamed for ourselves.
I wonder what our futures hold?
To the pregnant VOXers…….As for my sisters who are pregnant I want to tell you to not become afraid for what you have read here. We are all afraid that things will not go well. It is, somehow, built into the "pregnant" feelings. I was so early. It was not even 7 weeks! And, I am 45. We all know that this early stuff is all too common. Frankly, the pregnancies work out for most people. And, we all know we aren't connected at our wombs, right? Be at peace, if you can. That might be hard. I also have freaked out at reading of miscarriages. That's how I found most of you who are currently pregnant. Hmmm. I am looking forward to reading of your progress and the joyful deliveries of your little ones.