Here we go. How do I break my effortless silence? I’ve spent the best past of 2009 thinking along very narrow lines–lines which lead to some sense of survival for the three people in my home. I am tired. I don’t think I’m tired because I’m sick and tired. (You know the “tired” THAT is, don’t you? It is the kind of tired that says “screw it” a lot because it can’t think of anything else to say. I’m not THAT kind of tired today.)
No, I am the kind of tired that is bone tired. I live in a very emotionally demanding and physically demanding existence. There is no true solitude. The carefully cultivated means by which I could refresh myself have been difficult to access. Talk time is limited. Creative time lacks breath and life. I find that it is much easier to play than to think. It is much easier to be idle than to act.
I feel as though I am “winging it” every single day of my life.
I find it difficult to be “intentional” for myself because the energy is completely used up for others. (Please don’t take that as some noble thing. It is, in fact, without boundary and it is the stuff that made me emotionally unwell so long ago.) This is different however. I do know how to change it. I know how to reach out. I know how. Now, I must do it.
I said this was a “random musings” post.
The character of Patrick Jane is cute (and a little arrogant) and Simon Baker is a sight to behold.
I don’t like candy corn.
It turns out that Mrs. C. might not have accurately labeled me when she said I just didn’t have the “gift” for baking. (A lie. I have labored under a lie since 1988. I now reject that lie.)
There really is more to do that I can get done and more to do that I want to do.
I miss having free, unencumbered time.
I would have rather NOT sold my mother’s car because it looked cool and I could just plug in the iPod and play.
I will live. : )
I was thinking again this morning about my choice to take on this task of loving my mother in a very practical and in a very unrelenting routine. I don’t regret it (now, one year later) but know I haven’t found the bottom of the expectation and demand that it will bring. Her physical, spiritual and emotional needs are real and at our mercy. If anything good will come to her, we are the door. (Yes, I know that Jesus can do things for her but THAT is not what I mean.)
I’ve had about a month of re-counting the cost. We are signing on again. It is my heart that still needs adjustments.
Is this random enough?