Just last week, I was telling a friend about some recent changes in my life. I talked about the decision to stop playing online games in order to leave room for something else (anything else) to happen. I talked about how the doctor has been unrelenting in her suggestion that I do this specific diet in order to reduce inflammation in my body and, she suggests, I will lose weight and feel much, much better as a side-benefit of doing what she says. I also told my friend of the decision to begin moving my body.
I suppose people would assume that these things are New Year’s Resolutions (given the convenient time of beginning) but, they would be wrong. In fact, I am unable to resolve to do much of anything. As I mentioned to my friend, change is frightening to me. I have what I think is an irrational fear of doing anything different.
Irrational? Me? Well, wouldn’t you agree that to be afraid of the US Mail is irrational? Would you not think it irrational to be anxious about setting a title for a blog post? Would it be irrational if I have fear concerning stopping my online games? If I am honest, I have many irrational fears. For many years (20 or so) I’ve been doing things even though I am worried, anxious or afraid. There is just something about how I function that gets a little freaked out at the strangest stuff. (By the way, I’m not afraid of what some would call the bigger stuff–like public speaking, going new places, meeting new people, being publicly humiliated, or making big mistakes on a stage.
Yeah, it isn’t the biggies that bother me now days. You see, I get afraid of my internal struggle. I am bothered with my impulsive decisions that are able to overrule my firm decisions. I don’t like minor falls (or major ones) where I lapse and fail (for the moment). And, I don’t like having to get back up or trying again. But, this is the normal Christian life for me.
As it was in the beginning, it is for me now. Back then I was trying to overcome things that were secret and controlling and destructive and obsessive AND emotional and defeating AND confusing…and I did overcome. I suspect that this is no different. Not really. I already know that this battle is primarily waged in my mind and emotions. I wonder if the lessons-learned back then will apply to my current fight? I guess we’ll see.